Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
