Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
