If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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