The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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