the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you never un-have a 4some
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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