why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
