tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
where are my eyebrows?
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