ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
