people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
