i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the day after is always just damage control
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
