What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
