Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
