You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
