Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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