I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Drunk is a universal language darling
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
