Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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