If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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