So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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