So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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