R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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