I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
