Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
