Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
