"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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