Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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