I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
