I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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