wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
