I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
