he wants to bone in the snuggie
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
