dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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