Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
