So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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