Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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