I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
