dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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