I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
