OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
