its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
