Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
