Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
