if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
