Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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