M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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