You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
