I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
