His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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