i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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