peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
