Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
